Football transfer rumours: Liverpool set to sign Carlton Cole? | Paul Doyle

Wed, Nov 11, 2009

Today’s rumours are just that

At the eleventh hour today the Mill will pause to remember those heroic men and women who died to preserve our freedom to rumour for a living. Just think, we wouldn’t be able to report that Rafael Benítez has managed to extract a commitment from the American carpetbaggers to fund the January purchase of Carlton Cole. Being English, Cole is, of course, biologically incapable of falling opportunistically in the box when an opponent executes a good, honest, totally inaccurate lunge that demands evasive action, but Benítez still reckons he’d more valuable than David Ngog. Besides, following the summer recruitment of Glen Johnson, the Spaniard is keen to expand his collection of Chelsea cast-offs. Indeed, if he can find more ways to apply pressure to Hicks and Gillett, he’ll pick up Scott Parker too.

Manchester City will then pitch up at Upton Park and make off with Matthew Upson and Herita Ilunga, and as Gianfranco Zola is left to fight relegation with a crack unit of training cones, Mark Hughes will continue on his merry way over to Barcelona, where he’ll drop off Robinho and attempt to persuade Yaya Touré to come protect his brother out at Eastlands.

The snag for City is that Manchester United also want Touré. Or maybe that’s a snag for United – it’s hard to tell exactly where we are on the City rise/United decline chart. What is certain, or at least probable, or just about plausible, or technically possible, is that if Toure doesn’t go to United, then Ferguson will turn his attention to … Scott Parker. Fight! Fight! Fight!

What Ferguson wants most of all, though, is a central defender. The successful applicant will be dominant, composed and Scandinavian. Brede Hangeland or Palermo’s Simon Kjaer fit the bill, then.

Finally, after last weekend’s horror show at Aston Villa knocked a few million off his value, Gary Cahill is being eyed up by several Premier League managers, notably Harry Redknapp, who might normally be expected to hold out for somebody more expensive.